The Online Dating Chronicles

Online dating has got me feeling very Ali Otjen, Bacherlotte style. Strutting down sun kissed streets, hair braided, an array of eligible Bachelors waiting to sweep me off my feet…ok, ok, it’s not quite as glamorous and staged as the reality dating shows, and who am I kidding? I can’t braid my hair! Online dating is purely just that until you meet in a face to face setting and you gage if there is chemistry and a connection. I wanted to take you on a stroll through the humorous things I have encounted during my brief journey with online dating.
Now, all of the examples I have listed below are all REAL. I promise I have not made any of them up or embellished the truth. I have literally laughed out loud when receiving these messages, cringed at others, and almost wanted to vomit at one in particular. Seriously…do these lines work on women? I don’t know…maybe they do, but it certainly takes a lot to charm the socks off me!
Enjoy my friends!
*All names have been changed*
Albert: “Hi Melissa how are you? You are absolutely, astoundingly gorgeous. Hey are u my appendix because I don’t understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.” (Seriously? Does that work?)
Benji: “Hi Melissa What’s your last favourite question guys ask you on here?” (I don’t know…probably this one)
Charles: “Yo your a honey. Can I get a chance with you?” (Yo, no you cannot)
Dave: “Houston…do you read me?” (No, I do not)
Edward: “Do you like night markets and escape rooms?” (I haven’t done an escape room before, but the fact that this is your first question and I don’t know you, I am declining)
Fred: “Hi, the love of my life” (yeah…nah)
Gordon: “Could I interest you in an Irish man? Funny, smart, killer accent, can be good but prefers to be naughty 😉 Comes with loads of extras and a warranty provided with 100% Satisfaction 😉 (hahahaha)
Harry: “I am a photographer, looking forward to re-build my portfolio for portrait and model photography with natural light. You actually look beautiful and perfect as a model and I love to click your pictures.” (Thank you, but no thank you)
Ivan: “Hey what pair of shoes would you like? I would like to pamper you in some small way” (I’m not your shoes type of gal lol)
Jackson: “Cute smile and happy eyes. You surely seem cool, happy, confident yet serene and down to earth. Adore your simplicity/gracefulness and still you look elegant – just brilliant! I’d like to get to know you and can sense we’d have a lot to chat with given both Sagittarius ” (Ooooo na na eh, don’t act like you know me, like you know me)
Kel: “Hey hey…how are you doing? How was your weekend? OMG: you must be the most beautiful girl on here…but I am so confused, can I please ask you something??? ” (The old, can I ask you something trick and the next thing you know you are buying a life time worth of beauty supplies)
Leon: “So why are you single? Lol” (insert eye roll)
Marshall: “Seriously, have you ever peed on a guy?” (I think I just vomited in my mouth)
Nigel: “I can be your Prince William. I don’t have a castle but I do have a good heart. And I still have hair left on my head.” (Bahahahaha)
Ladies and Gentleman, it is not easy out there – let me tell you! And clearly not the Bachelorette glitz and glamour that you see. I don’t have a production crew weeding out the odd bods, but I’m not too bad at picking and choosing myself either 🙂  

Author: mabarberlissa

Hi and welcome to my blog! The aim of my blog is to share some of my experiences, my thoughts and feelings about mindfulness, while providing strategies on what gets me by in this ever changing, ever moving world! I hope that my readers gain something out of the entries as well.

One thought on “The Online Dating Chronicles”

  1. Bahaha – oh Mel my dear, love your spin on life and rawness in sharing something so personal, but with intent of making people laugh. Don’t change Doll and your Prince or Princess will arrive one day xo

    Like

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